Dear Love,
Looking back to all that has happened in the last two years, I am trapped in a whirlpool of mixed emotions. I don’t know if I should be happy or sad. This conflicted feeling is like a never ending nightmare that I have long wanted to end.
I know it was I who started this. What seemed like a casual get-together with not-so-innocent intentions turned into a commitment of a lifetime, which I am determined to fulfill. That was the night I told you that “I will be a constant in your life.” I have lived up to that promise, though we have yet to determine how long this lifetime will be.
You told me once that you started to see me as someone special on that very night. I started to feel things for you several days after, when you yielded to my temptation of a great weekend out of town. I thought that as the year ended and you went back home would be the very end of our relationship. I struggled that Christmas, trying to move forward. I counted the days to your birthday and when the pandemic started, a part of me was glad that I could focus my time and energy to something else. I then had to power to bring you to the lowest rank in my list of priorities despite your constant messages to me to relieve you of your boredom. However everything changed in that one fateful afternoon.
I woke up late, hungry and left the house without even washing my face or brushing my teeth. The face mask will hide it all so I didn’t bother and went to the market to get some food. But right at the corner of the street, you were there with a drink in hand. Our eyes met and you called my name, opening the flood gates of emotions of the dam that had your name.
“Going back to the corner where I first saw you. Gonna camp in my sleeping bag, I’m not move… (The Script – The Man Who Can’t Be Moved)
That day signaled our cohabitation of about 6 weeks or so. It was also that time that you started calling my home your home. Remembering that day still stirs my heart. You told a friend of ours recently, one drunken evening, that “Neil is home.” But isn’t a home a place that you are bound to return to?
We acted like a married couple and I loved it. We have had our moments and also our boundaries. That was the time I started calling you “Love” instead of our name. You didn’t mind and you still stayed. As our honeymoon-like life ended when you left to work in a nearby city, my heart ached but I still survived knowing you are just a bus ride away.
I visited you then, that was quite emotional. First, you had your “Cold Mode” on, as if you never wanted to see me. But then you suddenly shifted your mood to excited, looking forward to seeing me. I gave you a gift then, a gift that has allowed you to do a lot of the stuff that you do to keep you busy today. And then we got drunk where I said I no longer wanted to stay. You said you love me, and you want me to stay by your side, your constant. With your tears, I was invigorated. On that same night too, you told me that you will introduce me to her. He said that you find her pretty interesting and my name came out when you were talking about family. You said you told her that I am someone that matters. Thinking about this make me chuckle. I always asked you then “Do I occupy space and have mass?” Cheezy, but still you would always answer with a “yes.”
I met her, didn’t like her due to my prejudice and made a bet with myself that you would break up in a few months. I was indeed right but interestingly enough, I didn’t foresee that you would get back together a few months after.
When you came home for Christmas, I was really hurt. You didn’t buy me a present. I never asked for anything expensive but something that you made an effort on. “Prayers” are great, yet you never told me what your prayers for me were all about. He hugged me for quite sometime apologizing only when I threw a tantrum. My tantrums – something we can never live without every time we get together. I threw another one last New Year when you wouldn’t pick up my video call, and again when you invited someone related to me on your birthday but did not even consider my proposal to have me visit you for a quick meal. But still, I love you and can’t stand not talking to you.
When I heard that you want to quit your job and move down south, I was devastated. But knowing how stubborn you are, I asked only that you spend sometime with me before you leave. What was supposed to be a weekend, turned into a week, and then a month. I should have let you been then, but I am also stubborn.
The several weeks we last spent together was almost like the perfect life. You told me that you love me, showered me with affection. We even went out on dates. The only flaw was that fact that you were getting serious with her and you even planned to propose. As someone who understood where I stand, I supported you all the way. I was there to cheer you on until the very last day. However, as like any of our time together, the tantrums are expected. I told you I took some time off from the office but then you responded that you may go out with friends. And though it didn’t happen, you still slept through the night. I made you dinner but you didn’t wake up after multiple attempts. I was hungry and angry and got drunk. I said so many bad things that night, and I guess that hurt you a lot. That night was a night I truly regretted. I said I’m sorry and you said you accepted it.
And then you left. The house then became cold. But it was a given, as it has always been the case every time you come over and then say goodbye. But what I did not expect is that you became cold. I can’t call you, and despite my long messages, you would only give me one-word answers. I complained about how cold you were and you just replied “Ooh.” No apologies, no conversations, nothing but a few words to keep me quiet. This has made me go crazier that ever.
I have always considered myself to be quite intelligent. My ability to psychoanalyze people and situations is above average. However, I can never read you. I am trapped in this universe that is you, and I am torn whether to escape or to stay. I am bound. I do not know what is it with you that I cannot seem to leave you. Or is it because I promised to be your constant. I caught a glimpse of your darkness and I was addicted. You told me about your epic sagas and your poems and songs, and I was mesmerized. I have learned to accept that you can never be mine. All I asked is warmth.
Warmth – when you take time to ask me how I am or talk to me about your day. Warmth – when we go beyond the one-word responses. Warmth – when at least I am treated like a dear friend even though we are not together.
Perhaps, when we are together, you create a bubble where we can be together in some way, a bubble where you are unrestricted. However, the moment you physically leave my side is the same as leaving behind everything you feel about me. This is perhaps the impact of increasing the complexity of your life. This brings me a lot of pain, but beyond that is guilt.
Though you are also to blame for my predicament. You have said things and done things out of your own volition. However, I created most of the situations and feel disgusted with myself. You already have a complex life Love, and I even made it more complicated. I wish I am not what I am, and we could just have been best buddies. However, I ended up as someone who is more than a friend, but nothing more than that. I do not want you to question your sexuality, or trigger some inner conflict. I also do not want to be part of your regrets.
I am sorry for all the things that I done and said that has hurt you. I am sorry for the things that I have done and said that have placed you in a very uncomfortable position. However, given that it takes two to tango, I also cannot be allowed to wallow and sulk in this pain and guilt and still be expected to be at your beck and call. You have to, at some point have to lose me if you do not make any effort to keep me. I am committed to be your constant, as someone who shares both your pain and sorry. But I am not committed to being your shadow that silently follows you around, regardless if you see me or not.
Unlike my previous tantrums, I will not attempt to throw away that stuff that remind me of you. I will have to keep them there as a memento of the happy times we spent together, as well as reminder for myself to thread more cautiously in the future.
I know you well enough that you will only read this when the mood is right so I won’t even bother sending this in our typical way, or in any way at all. Only time will tell if you will ever get to read this.
I have loved you in the best way I know how. I still love you. And I will always love you, even though time and circumstance may change how weak or strong it will be compared to now.
However, if I am one that brings you pain, sorrow, or any form of negativity, then please let me know. Tell me how to proceed, please, please. I am begging you. Your silence is deafening.
Neil
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