It has been a long time since I have written stuff. Normally Jaype would fuel this but Pol reigns supreme as of the moment. Not that he has been positively influential but perhaps the lack of closure is what has been bothering me to date. I have been having dreams where his stoic self has become that warm blanket of sunshine that he was in the first three months we have been together. However, it is all history and nothing much resembles the present I currently live,
Speaking of the current, Jaype and I reconnected after more than 6 months of being blocked. The good thing is that I no longer feel the same dedication despite the same level of love I still have for him. Nevertheless, he fuels my passion to write so I draw inspiration from random things and so I write as I had always have when he was pretty active in my life.
I sent Pol a message, which I am super sure he has read but intentionally ignored as my choice to abandon him has left a deep seated hated in his soul. However, I wish he remembers my one dedicated self to him, as our lack of closure still haunts me to this day, it is a repetitive dream that makes me uncomfortable, a feeling I am sure he will keep as his egoistic self dictates,
I saw a cute vocalist earlier, and despite the fact that there is no deep emotion between us has led me to write. It made me super happy as I am able to draw emotion from other individuals and not from those I love.
I made a bet with Jaype that I will finish my novel this year, a promise I hope to keep. I really want to finish it and more likely than not, I will, For some reason, I want to leave behind something near to what can be called a legacy as those in wuxia novels I am a great fan of. I need to finish the mythology to get establish the legitimacy of Iosif’s claim to the throne as his father has painstakingly worked hard for,
I really wish for more hardworking inspiration to work on this novel. This should have been done in March, as I have committed to Pol but my decision to let go of him last December has halted this as working on this novel reminds me of him,
Until now, watching anime reminds me of him. I struggle with the fact that a lot of the things that bring me happiness makes me feel worthless. He, unintentionally unfortunately, made me question my worth as a human being, which led to me feeling devastated, really devastated to the extent that I hated myself.
I still see Pol every now and then in the office. When I do, it becomes a rollercoaster of emotions. I miss him and at the same time, I hate him to the bone. I miss his kisses, I miss the way he snuggles me when he sleeps. At the same time, I hate how I feel worthless when he is around, when despite all effort, I can still be ignored, become dispensable and unwanted,
Ill end my rantings today. At least I am happy to be able to give words to feelings repressed, all hate drowned in alcohol. Until then…