05-26-2023

It has been a long time since I have written stuff. Normally Jaype would fuel this but Pol reigns supreme as of the moment. Not that he has been positively influential but perhaps the lack of closure is what has been bothering me to date. I have been having dreams where his stoic self has become that warm blanket of sunshine that he was in the first three months we have been together. However, it is all history and nothing much resembles the present I currently live,

Speaking of the current, Jaype and I reconnected after more than 6 months of being blocked. The good thing is that I no longer feel the same dedication despite the same level of love I still have for him. Nevertheless, he fuels my passion to write so I draw inspiration from random things and so I write as I had always have when he was pretty active in my life.

I sent Pol a message, which I am super sure he has read but intentionally ignored as my choice to abandon him has left a deep seated hated in his soul. However, I wish he remembers my one dedicated self to him, as our lack of closure still haunts me to this day, it is a repetitive dream that makes me uncomfortable, a feeling I am sure he will keep as his egoistic self dictates,

I saw a cute vocalist earlier, and despite the fact that there is no deep emotion between us has led me to write. It made me super happy as I am able to draw emotion from other individuals and not from those I love.

I made a bet with Jaype that I will finish my novel this year, a promise I hope to keep. I really want to finish it and more likely than not, I will, For some reason, I want to leave behind something near to what can be called a legacy as those in wuxia novels I am a great fan of. I need to finish the mythology to get establish the legitimacy of Iosif’s claim to the throne as his father has painstakingly worked hard for,

I really wish for more hardworking inspiration to work on this novel. This should have been done in March, as I have committed to Pol but my decision to let go of him last December has halted this as working on this novel reminds me of him,

Until now, watching anime reminds me of him. I struggle with the fact that a lot of the things that bring me happiness makes me feel worthless. He, unintentionally unfortunately, made me question my worth as a human being, which led to me feeling devastated, really devastated to the extent that I hated myself.

I still see Pol every now and then in the office. When I do, it becomes a rollercoaster of emotions. I miss him and at the same time, I hate him to the bone. I miss his kisses, I miss the way he snuggles me when he sleeps. At the same time, I hate how I feel worthless when he is around, when despite all effort, I can still be ignored, become dispensable and unwanted,

Ill end my rantings today. At least I am happy to be able to give words to feelings repressed, all hate drowned in alcohol. Until then…

Diary 210503

Dear Self,

It has been pretty tough of you for the last couple of days. His departure has once again turned the house from a warm, cozy place into a cold, empty building. It’s the same pattern over and over every time he comes over to visit. However, this last one is ever tougher knowing he will go to a place that isn’t a quick bus ride away.

The last month has been beautiful. Our relationship with him keeps getting better and better with every visit. This time, he affirmed that he loves us ever since that fateful night that triggered our metamorphosis from a boy toy hunter to a generally docile partner with spurts of crazy bitch moments hopeless romantic. He has been more open about his love for us. However, we still remain more than friends but noting more. At the end of the day, we are not enough to change him. His feelings for us are not enough for him to fight for us. He loves someone already, someone he feels is destined as his other half until the end of time.

Yet, he sees us by his side still across the years that will come to pass. It was not until this visit that we fully got to realize how heavy our promise was when we told him that we will be a constant in his life. After hours of watching Korean series, I think I know what we can call ourselves – side dish. In Korean meals, the main course is king but can not be called a meal unless there is at least one side dish. I guess he cannot feel complete unless we are there with him.

This would pretty mean that all of us will live in a very complex situation. But despite how complex it will be, it wouldn’t be enough to make us leave. We have all heard friends say that we have to move on, one must simply find another to love. Well, until that new guy comes, we will be stuck here. Our first love had our devotion for 13 years where we never got any form of reciprocation or validation, how much more would we stay in this almost 2 year relationship that our love acknowledges but cannot committed to.

Stay strong. Things will get better. The house will get warmer. The feeling of solitude will fluctuate. Give it time. Make time.